End of Life
by Andy0001z
Summary: Lister is 90 and not looking forward to another day in his bunk. They have somehow travelled through space to FiJi. Can Lister complete his plan, can he hold out another day or will Fiji's only resident have other ideas?
1. Mr Plan  Chapter 1

**Hey all,**

**I wanted to post this little story that has been sitting on the Hard Drive for over a month. It was going to be a one shot wonder, but it's too big and so will most likely be two chapters now. I am snowed under at work and home but wanted to get this on-line. It may be a little rough round the edges but hopefully will make for a good read. Enjoy **

**Andy**

* * *

Lister opened his tired eyes and looked across the same old grey sleeping quarters he had occupied for the last 90 years. His eyes settled on his guitar resting against the wall next to Rimmers space rock collection. He looked longingly at it wanting to pluck at those cords and make them sing as only he could once more. He dropped his gaze those days had long since gone. He had been in bed for nearly two months now and this time it was not out of choice. His body was giving up, it had said to him, look mate, enough is enough. Lister knew he didn't have long left.

Rimmer bounced into the room, his hologramatic form the same as ever a rather ordinary 37 ish. Unlike Lister Rimmers hologram program had not aged him one bit. The hologram was quite capable of simulating age, but Rimmer had asked Holly long ago to ensure that option was removed from his program.

"Arhh Lister there you are, I'm glad I've found you." Beamed Rimmer.

Lister sighed. "Smeg off Rimmer you know I've been here for the last 2 months, and you can cut all that chirpy crap out."

Rimmer came as close as he dared to the bed ridden Lister and smiled at him. "I've got some news. Something I think me laddo that will make your day." Finished Rimmer smugly.

Lister looked up at Rimmers stupid grin and thought, what was it this time, had he'd found another tin of curry powder, a planet with the face of hammy the hamster or maybe something he could actually use. Like a new body or a time machine. Not having the strength to go into such detail with Rimmer he simply said. "What is it?"

Rimmers smile broadened. "Well Listy according to Holly that worm hole thingy we slipped through last week has propelled us across the universe."

"So?"

"So Lister we are no only 2 clicks away from Fiji." Smiled Rimmer.

The pain in his chest weakened and Lister for a moment allowed himself to wallow in his fantasy. "Fiji, what my Fiji?"

"The very one, Holly recons we will be in orbit in about two hours and Kryten and I thought you might like to take a trip down to the surface."

Lister was only half listening, he was dreaming. In his minds eye he saw sheep, pigs and horses all wading around the shallows, and on the wooden fence he saw her. He saw his girl, Kristen Kochanski. Lister sighed. "Kriss."

Rimmer heard the name and tutted. "Come on Listy you're not still pining for her are you?"

"She was going to be me girl, I had a plan Rimmer."

Rimmer turned around and walked over to the table where he picked at the magazines. "Yes you did didn't you. I recall something about breading pigs and sheep, and stuff."

Lister heaved his body up a little with great effort. "Well I've not got me girl, but I can still do it Rimmer, I can still do it."

Rimmer turned to see the poor state that Lister was in, he almost pitied him. Almost because Lister was still technically alive and he wasn't and how the smeg Lister had reached 90 years old was a miracle. The last years had been hard on Lister and while Rimmer remained youthful in his hardlight Lister was forever getting weaker and older. Rimmer approached his bunkmate and without trying he spoke sounding very condescending. "Listy, Listy just look at you. You are in no fit state to farm. In fact you are in no fit state to go anywhere. What were we thinking."

Lister looked up his eyes pleading with Rimmer.

"OK OK, I'll talk to Kryten." Said Rimmer turning towards the door only to see Kryten strut through the entrance.

"Morning sirs, lovely day isn't it?"

Lister flopped back down onto the bed, all strength from the news now gone. "Smeg off, Kryten not you to."

Rimmer mimicked someone who was clearly about to croak it to Kryten nodded in understanding.

"Come now sir, there is no need for such talk, hasn't Mr Rimmer told you the wonderful news?"

"Yeah, but he's right it's all too late. I'm washed up Kryten. My goose has flown the nest."

Kryten interrupted him. "I believe that's my goose has got my gander sir."

Lister began to pull the bed covers over his head. "Whatever man, I am in not smegging state to go planet hopping."

"Not so sir, I think I have the answer to your problem."

Lister peaked out from under the cover. "and?"

Kryten held out a small remote in front of him. "Well, while I was on that two week tour of the lower rear bulk head I found something that might help."

From the corridor a series of loud foot steps could be hear approaching. The pair watched as Kryten manoeuvred a large metal suite through the door way. "It's a lifter suit sir, you just need to sit in the frame and I'll do the driving, or you can drive it with this tinie tiny box."

Lister removed the bed cover and eyed the grey, green suit, a smile crept over his wrinkled face. "Let's suit up and go find me a sheep!"

* * *

Cot pit, Starbug – inner orbit around Fiji.

The Cat is at the controls sniffing the air. "Hey something smells bad around here. Have you changed your oil again Kryten?"

"No sir, I think you're experiencing a miss smelling." Said Kryten looking awkward.

"Nope there is something new in here, what is it? I can't put my finger on it but I have definitely smelt it before."

Lister inside his metal suit thumbed into the entrance of the cot pit. Seeing him the Cat smiles in realisation. "Oh yeah, now I remember its monkey boy."

"Alright Cat back out of Statis again are you?" said Lister seeing his friend at the controls.

Cat slicked back his thick black hair. "Dam right baby, this body is to good to waste on time buddy, I plan to be around forever."

Lister didn't respond he was now staring at the view screen showing a mass of blue with patches of darker areas.

Rimmer looked up from his console. "Oxygen normal. Land mass mostly water. No change there then Listy. Oh no wait there is a something in the south sector. I suggest we head there. Cat sector 4.2 latitude 329, got it?"

The Cat screwed his face up at the request "Sector what?"

Rimmer sighed. "Down a bit and over there by that big grey blob, OK?"

"OK goalpost head whatever you say, but only because it's be nice to monkey day. What with him about to snuff it and all."

"Just take us down will you." Snapped Rimmer.

* * *

Starbug doors hissed open and the light from the twin stars that now orbited Fiji washed over Listers face. He breathed in the fresh air and sighed. "Look out Fiji, the smeggers coming home."

Behind him the Cat jostled for position. "Hey let me out, let me out."

Listers assisted by the metal hydraulics stepped down onto the brown dusty surface.

He was soon joined by the others has they looked around the dry hill top on which Starbug had parked. A little away to the right they spotted what looked like a terraforming dome.

"Hey guys, lets check that place out." Wheezed Lister.

"Sir I must inform you that there are no life signs on this planet. There will be nobody home." Informed Kryten.

"I don't care, can't a dieing man do a spot of last minute scavenging."

Rimmer stepped forward. "OK Lister, but I insist I take rear guard."

Lister looked at Rimmer who was already edging back towards the doorway. "You really have never changed Rimmer and I guess you never will. Come on Cat let's go see what we can salvage."

"Sir if I may I'll stay here with Mr Rimmer and run some more scans." Asked Kryten.

"Sure whatever man." Said Lister flexing his mechanical arms and striding off towards the dome and altogether feeling more like his old self again.

* * *

Inside the doom the huge metal framework ran from floor to ceiling. Across the way the pair saw a small row of what could be loosely described as houses. "Come on Cat let's go see if anyone's home." Said Lister his metal frame striding off towards the nearest house.

As the pair approached the door Lister saw something on a notice board that caught his attention. "Smeg, look at this Cat, this is the same poster I had all those years ago, look there is even a guy wearing a diving suit."

The Cat leant over and inspected the poster. "Yeah, and that girl on the airbed looks like she could use some company."

"Come on." Said Lister turning away from the board and towards the door of the first house.

Lister pushed at the door and it swung upon. He ducked into the small living area, quickly followed by the Cat.

The pair wandered around the room taking in the dusty looking treasures of the past the Cat made a grab at a photo. "Hey look at this buddy, this dude was my kind of guy." Said the Cat holding up a photo showing a party scene with one guy surrounded by half a dozen women.

"Cat that's a magazine cover, it's not real."

"Not real, what's the point in that then, if I was on the cover of a magazine everything would be real. Awwwoowww!" span the Cat in excitement.

Lister squeezed his metal frame into the kitchen. He opened one or two of the cupboards before finding some tins that vaguely looked like beer. He tossed one to the Cat. "Cheers man, welcome to my new home."

The Cat looked shocked. "Your going to live here, this place is a dump."

Lister struggled with the ring pull on the can, his large mechanical fingers not designed for beer ring pulling, until finally it gave way to a very dull hiss. "What, and my quarters on Red Dwarf is way better!"

The Cat didn't argue.

Lister went back into the living room and pressed the release catch on the suit. He half fell half staggered to the plastic sofa. "You go explore Cat, I'm going to put me feet up."

The Cat needing no prompting, this place was loaded with items that needed Cat claiming.

Lister sat alone in the cold lifeless room. He was really here, really on Fiji, he was 90 years old but he had done it, the man with a plan had done it. OK so some bits of the plan won't get done, he didn't have KK with him and in reality he was not going to be doing any farming. But at least he was here. Knowing this simply fact Lister fell into a deep and pleasant sleep.

* * *

Kryten looked worriedly at Rimmer. "Sir, are you sure?" he asked Kryten urgently.

Rimmer didn't look up but did nod his head in confirmation.

Kryten re-checked the scans. "But the scans said this planet was lifeless, how could we have missed something so big?"

Rimmer finally looked up. "Kryten this is Starbug we are talking about, the scanners on this ship are no better than those fitted to the next generation Duplo toys. In fact hasn't history has taught us that we would gain more information from looking out of the window than rely on our scanner."

The Cat entered the craft, his face a picture of terror.

Kryten assured the clearly shocked Cat. "My my, what ever is that matter sir. According to my internal mood scanners all 6 million of your hairs are standing on end."

Cat grabbed Rimmer by the lapels and screeched into his face. "It's horrible, totally obscene."

Rimmer tried to release the Cats grip. "What is?"

"That thing out there, one minute this kitty was happily burying his doo doo, the next I saw this huge very badly dressed thing."

Having managed to release himself Rimmer took a step backwards. "What thing, what was it?"

The Cat looked pained. "I don't know, I turned and high tailed it back here."

Rimmer shaken decided it was time to leave. "OK that does it, let's get out of here. Cat fire up the engines and set course for Red Dwarf."

"But what about Mr Lister sir, he's still out there?" protested Kryten.

"Look he's 90 years old, and from those last medi scans you showed me yesterday he's on his last legs. I say we save the strong and leave the weak. All in favour?"

Kryten moved towards the cot pit but instead of going in he braced himself across the doorway.

"Kryten what are you doing?" said Rimmer approaching Kryten.

"I believe I am doing a spot of mutiny sir." Replied Kryten.

Rimmer faced Kryten square on. "As the most senior ranking personal aboard this craft I order you out of that door way Kryten!"

Kryten remained firmly in position, his face showing no emotion. "I'm sorry sir, but while Mr Lister is out there with that thing I am not moving."

* * *

Rimmer found Lister still asleep where the Cat had said he had last saw him. He better be alive, it had taken two injections of his precious courage program slugs to get him out the door and over to this place.

Rimmer bent down and listened to the shallow breathing of Lister. As quietly as he could Rimmer spoke to Lister. "Lister, wake up, Lister."

Listers eyes slowly opened then quickly realised Rimmer was a few inches from his face and squirmed deeper into the sofa. "Smeg Rimmer, you know I don't like it when you do that. It gives me nightmares."

Rimmer backed away a little and checked the pci-scanner. "Lister there is something here, something we didn't see before."

Lister saw the look on Rimmers face which said it all. Once more they were in mortal danger, even here on his dream planet where he had hoped to find solace it seemed he could not. "How bad?"

"Kryten says it's some sort of Pozimophed life thingy bob. All we know is it's as big as a bus and has two massive eyes on stalks."

Lister shuffled on the sofa but could not get up. "Give us a hand Rimmer would you?"

Rimmer helped Lister back into the metal suit and added urgently. "It's moved but it's on it's way here, so we need to move now."

The pair exited the dome and headed across the dusty plain towards Starbug. Rimmer looked over his shoulder at the tailing Lister a sense of urgency in his voice. "Can't you go any faster?"

"Rimmer man this thing is designed for shifting cargo not doing the 100 yard dash."

Lister suddenly realised the Rimmer was no long looking at him but rather looking past him. Lister stopped and turned. Behind him lay the dome they had just left but no longer was it a smooth round top, now it seemed to have grown a huge Mohican, and one that was moving their way. Lister turned away urgently and saw that Rimmer was still gripped with fear.

"Rimmer, snap out of it man we have to move it!"

Rimmer needing no second prompt span on the spot and began to pump his legs with great gusto.

Soon Lister was along, striding along as fast at his mechanically assisted legs could carry him. Rimmer was now almost out of sight.

Lister suddenly stropped moving his arm felt red hot. A blinding pain in his left arm told him something he didn't want to know.

"Smeg no. Not now! This is not how it's meant to be." Winched Lister clutching his now aching chest.

Rimmer having reached the outer edge of Starbug risked a look back at Lister and almost screamed. Lister was no long moving. Instead he was on all fours and the huge slug like creature was only 100 yards or so from reaching him. The hiss of the airlock release confirmed that Rimmer did what he always did in these situations, RUN!


	2. Not a good day to die!

**Hi all, sorry it has taken awhile. Been a bit busy. The story continues. It wraps up in Chapter 3 (so much for a one shot wonder). please review. ta**

Rimmer staggered through the inner air lock door and wiped his hand across his sweaty temple. The holomatrix was performing perfectly, it had produced nervous sweat that was now dribbling down the side of Rimmers temple.

Kryten looked past Rimmer to the space behind him. "Sir, where is Mr David?" he asked urgently.

Rimmer shook his head still fighting the panic attack that gripped his very holomatrix sole.

Kryten pressed Rimmer again, his concern tone pushed up to max. "Where is Mr David sir?"

Rimmer looked up, Kryten noticed the fear written across his face as if in big black marker pen. Rimmer stammered our the words. "He's out there with that thing. Kryten something is wrong. " Rimmer paused, chocking down the vomit of fear that gripped him tightly. Once he was certain he could continue he did so. "He was behind me but when I looked back he had seemed to have stopped moving."

Kryten held his hands to his mouth and went straight into panic mode. "Oh my, oh my."

Suddenly the Cats voice broke the moment as he called from the cot pit. "Hey somethings happening out there, and it doesn't look good!"

* * *

Outside Lister slowly turned his metal frame around so he could face the only living thing on his new home world. Looking up at the creature he addressed it. "Smeg, you are one ugly neighbour. I bet you don't get invited round for tea and cake very often?"

Lister clutched at his chest…._more pain_.

The pain passed

He looked on as the giant slug monster slid forward. "So either you want to kill me, eat me, or god forbid hump me. Look I know what it's like to be a sexually starved stud all alone. But this isn't the way man, I'm just not that kind of guy."

The monster appeared to not understand or appreciate Listers advice and reared up on his slimy foot.

* * *

Rimmer and Kryten dashed into the cot pit and urgently asked for a status report. "What's happening, is he dead?"

Kryten who himself was in fall flap mode updated Rimmer. "No sir, not yet but it does not look good. I think Mr Lister is trying to communicate with it."

Rimmer looked worried. "Oh he's for it then. I am not sure. _Alright, fancy a curry mate?_Is going to work on this occasion." Said Rimmer mimicking Listers tones.

Kryten theorised hoping it might ease the tension. "Actually sir if there is anyone in this universe how might be able to communicate with a giant slug it would be Mr Lister."

The Cat pointed at the screen. "Hey, what's it doing now. Why has it gone up on his rear, er whatever you call that thing."

"Let's hope it's some sort of weird greeting and not a sign that it's saying _Hello I'm the huge killer slug and you're my dinner._" Said Rimmer wincing at the sight before them.

* * *

Outside Lister looked up at the sliming black underbelly of the creature. "So this is it then, slimed to death by a mutant slug monster on Fiji. Not how I imagined it would end."

Lister felt cold, his strength ebbed from his body, he could fight no longer. He closed his eyes and waited for the end. His mind raced with past memories. He saw his buddies Peterson, Chen and the others all joking and partying hard. Found himself again playing golf with Rimmer on that stupidly small moon, and lastly looking into the eyes of the only women he had truly ever loved. He held onto the image of Kristien Kochanski as all around him went black and sticky.

* * *

Rimmer, the Cat and Kryten stood silently as the creature did the biggest belly flop anyone in the universe had ever seen.

Rimmer finally found his voice although shaky he turned to look at Kryten. "He might be OK right?"

Kryten looked worried and as he spoke a long past tick surfaced in his right leg that jiggled up and down. "OH I'm sure he's fine, that metal suit is pressure caged to withstand heavy cargo boxes."

The Cat looked at the other two. "But can it withstand huge mutant slugs?"

Kryten wasn't sure. None of them were.

Rimmer pointed at the screen and yelled. "It's moving!"

The Cat voiced all their thoughts. "But where too?"

Kryten looked down at the scanner. "It's moving away sirs, yes definitely going away from our position."

Rimmer tapped his view port controls. "Trying to locate Lister now"

The Cat looked round at the others. "You mean it's had its fun and now it's going to sleep off one monkey dinner."

On screen a streak of shimmering slime showed a clear lump where Lister had last been seen.

Kryten spoke softly his voice unit straining with worry. "Sirs we have to go see if Mr Lister is," he paused, summoning the word from his circuits. "Alive!"

Rimmer shook his head. "No way, that thing has had one giant bonk for one day, what's to say it does not want a second. And anyway Lister has probably snuffed it. He wanted to come here and now he can be buried here. Or slimed here as is the case."

Krytens eyes where wide as he shot Rimmer his I'm disgusted look. One he was particularly proud of, the one he saved for moments such as these. "Mr Rimmer sir, do the years of time spend with Mr Lister not mean anything to you? Do you not have any desire to know if your long term ship mate is dead or alive?"

Rimmer placed a single finger to his lips, and paused in thought.

"Nope!"

"Well I do, are you coming Mr Cat?" said Kryten starting for the exit hatch.

The Cat didn't move. Kryten noticed his lack of movement and stomped off muttering under his breath. "Really, always the mechanoid that has to clear up the mess."

* * *

Kryten approached the 20 foot wide path of slim. He pulled out his Psi-scanner and waved it across the slim infront of him. He reviewed the results and tuted then tapped the device firmly on the side and performed a second scan.

Kryten rubber brow creased somewhat as he looked at the results. "Most interesting."

He walked down the side of the slim until at last he was parallel to the lump he assumed was Lister.

Kryten clicked his optics to maximum zoom and searched the lump. He confirmed alright that it was indeed Mr Listers cargo suit, however he could not see any sign of Mr Lister.

Krytens attention turned to the slim up in front of him, he very tentatively placed on foot into the slim path. It sank about a foot into the slim to the firm soil beneath. He stepped forward and placed the other foot into the slim. Now was the moment of truth could he pull the first one back out again. Kryten slowly began to lift his leg up and free of the slim, it gave way slowly emitting a slow bottom belch noise as his mechanical motors working at maximum capacity dragged his foot free. Kryten continued his one man band of bottom sounds across to Listers location.

He looked down at the metal frame which was completely covered in slim. Unsure he could see Mr Lister he stretched out a hand and cleared some of the slim from the helmet area. At last he could see him, his eyes were closed and he looked fast asleep. Kryten pulled out the psi-scanner and ran it over Mr Listers body. The results came back loud and clear. Krytens hand holding the scanner let it fall into the slim. It sank slowly beneath the slim as his mechanical legs gave way to shock and plunged his body onto his knees.

* * *

The Cat watched Kryten fall to his knees and turned to Rimmer standing behind him. "Hey, what's he doing?

Rimmer didn't response his face fixed on the scene outside.

"Hey goal post head, I said what's he doing?" repeated the Cat who himself felt a deep sense of alarm.

Finally Rimmer responded. He turned his eyes towards the Cat.

"Hey, are you crying budd? I thought hard light Holograms could not cry?" questioned the Cat seeing Rimmers eyes looking wet.

Rimmer wiped his eyes and looked down at the trace of hologramatic water lying across his finger tips. "Apparently I can. Cat, I don't know how to say it, so I'm just going to anyhow. Lister is dead."

The Cat looked alarmed. "Dead, what as in dead dead!"

Rimmer nodded.

"So what's Kryten doing, he hasn't moved?" asked the Cat pointing at the still kneeing frame of the mechanoid.

Rimmer looked back at the screen. "His program must have crashed," then he added quietly "I'll go."

* * *

Outside Rimmer searched the horizon for any sign of the slim monster. Once he was happy it was safe he began the walk to where Kryten and Lister were.

As he approached the edge of the slim he called to Kryten.

"Kryten, you OK?"

No response.

"Kryten, I said are you OK?"

Still no response, dam his suspensions must have been correct. Well there was no way he was going to wade out there into this glop and fetch them both.

"Hey goal post head, what's happening?" shouted the Cats voice from beside Starbug.

Rimmer turned around and shouted back at him. "Krytens offline, Lister, I can't tell. We need to get them free!"

The Cat disappeared inside and the next minute Starbug began to rise into the air.

"Smeg, where the smeg is he going?" muttered Rimmer.

He didn't have to wait long as Starbug was now positioned directly above Kryten and Lister. Next a massive metal plug began to descend and only then did Rimmer cotton on.

'_Brilliant, why didn't I think of the bugs magnet.' _Thought Rimmer.

The metal plug swung left and right before finally coming to a stop over the pair. Rimmer watched as firstly Kryten was sucked free of the slim followed by Listers metal cargo frame. As the slime began to drip off the frame of Lister he noticed Lister was still inside.

* * *

Rimmer had spent the last 3 hours hacking Listers still lifeless frame from the metal suite that encased him. Why he bothered when the medi computer reported Lister as clearly dead, he could not fathom. But something told him it was the right thing to do.

Lister was now laid out on the medi bed his eyes closed and his body still dripping with the slim. Rimmer decided there was little more he could do for now and left the room.

He walked into the main section to find the Cat poking Kryten also lifeless body. "Any luck?"

The Cat shrugged. "Look unless he has got an off and on switch it's beyond me bud."

Rimmer moved to the back of Krytens head and pressed the release catch. Krytens head popped open like a car bonnet. Inside a red flashing light pulsed. Rimmer gazed at the circuitry and tutted. Then he spotted the small switch at the top of the circuit. '_In for a penny in for a pound.'_ He thought.

He flicked the switch and closed Krytens lid.

Cat peered at Kryten. "Well, is he going to be OK?"

Rimmer finally snapped. His day had gone from bad to worse. From being chased by a giant slug, to then watching Lister die and now he was going to have to clean and iron his own underpants again. "_I don't smegging_ _know! Do I look like a mechaniod service engineer?"_screeched Rimmer.

The Cat looked him up and down completely ignoring the tone in Rimmers voice. "Nope!"

Rimmer lulled his head and shook it slowly side to side. This day was not going to get any better.

The pair stared at the lifeless frame that was Kryten. The Cat started to fidget on the spot.

"Hey maybe if I hit him with my special hitting device he will wake up." Suggested the Cat grinning.

Rimmer risked a look at what the Cat was holding. In his right hand hung a long shiny pole. In fact it looked very much the leg from one of Starbugs tables. Rimmer shot a glance at the table behind him and his suspicions were confirmed. He saw the centre table now at an alarming angle.

"Cat, hitting Kryten with a table leg isn't going to work."

He looked at the Cat who had one of his stupid grins on his face.

Rimmer gave in. "Oh go on then, what else could go wrong."

Cat raised the table leg in the air and began a swift stoke down towards Krytens skull. The leg was just about to make contact when Krytens hand shot out and grabbed the end.

"Hey….." screeched the Cat.

* * *

Dead, he was dead he had to be dead, that slug monster surely must have squashed him flat. But then why was he able to think. Was this it then, this was death. Trapped in your own head muttering about present issues like being dead. Lister tried to open his eyes, that was if he had eyes. For some reason it didn't feel right. None of it did. It was like he was floating, yes floating was a good word for it he thought.

Lister decided to try calling out to into the darkness that seemed to surround him. "Hello, anybody there?"

The darkness wasn't talking.

"Anybody, I'd settle for Hermann Goring."

Nobody.

Lister gave up and floated. After a short while he began to feel a little odd. His left big toe began to throb. Yes it was it was his big toe, he would know that toe anywhere. "Brutal I can feel me toe." Cried Lister excitedly.

He waited and realised he could now wiggle his other toes on that foot. Soon his whole left leg was able to jerk and twist but much to Listers frustration, the process stopped there.

"Smeg, you can't stop there, I can't exist in this err place with one left leg." Shouted Lister to the darkness.

The darkness didn't shout back.


	3. No way to treat a dead guy!

**Hi, the story closes and another mad idea is contained in the text. Reviews welcome, apologies for grammar and spelling.**

* * *

Kryten sat in the corner plugged into his diagnostic program, as it began to download he tutted as each time the screen blipped up message about failed systems. He turned to Rimmer looking down at him nervously.

"Mr Rimmer sir could you unplug me, I really don't want to have to go through the pain of doing it with my feet again. You see my arm circuits are still down."

Rimmer yanked the cord free and looked Krytenoveras if inspecting a dodgy second hand car that was for sale. "So arms still not working huh, that's going to make kitchen duty interesting." He smirked.

Krytens voice cracked into concern mode. "Sir, please, you know how seriously I take my duties. Not being able to perform is like, let me see what's the suitable human analogy. Oh yes, like being asked to make love to the most beautiful women in the world and finding you have left your Spiderman trunks on still. It sends waves of dread over you."

"Yes Yes, but what are we going to do about Lister?" Rimmer spelt out the next few letters slowly and as calmly as he could. "He's D….E….A….D you know." Seeing that Kryten didn't flip forward in a heap Rimmer breathed a sigh of relief. The last time Rimmer broke the news about Lister to Kryten it had caused Kryten to crash all over again.

"Are you absolutely positive he's D.E.A.D sir?" asked Kryten hopefully.

Rimmer pointed to the stairway. "Be my guest Nurse rubber pants. He's up in the medi bay."

* * *

Kryten thwacked his was through the final secure door pad. He was certainly thankful for his think rubber head during his current no hands state. As four security buttons later he walked into the medi bay. There in front of him lay the body of David Lister. Instantly Krytens emotional code kicked in andhe found his eyes welling up with 3&1.

"Oh dam these emotions you gave me Mr Lister, I can't see straight now." Said Kryten crossing the room and bumping into the side of the bed.

Much to Krytenssurprise he found his arms working again, that last bump must have knocked him back into place. He looked down at lister and found he needed to wipe an oily tear from his eye socket. He turned to the examine the console next to the bed. It did indeed confirm what Rimmer had spelt out.

Krytenturnedhis head hung low he made for the door. Behind him a light began to flicker on the medi console screen. But Kryten didn't see this and headed back to the others.

* * *

To Lister it seemed as if an age had passed him by, but in fact it had been a matter of only hours. "Smegging hell, is this it then, trapped on me own in the dark. Great." Muttered Lister quietly.

Much to Listers surprise a voice replied.

"That depends on who you look at it Lister." Said the Voice.

Lister strained to see, but he saw nothing.

"Who's there?" said Lister straining to see into the darkness.

A shape began to transform from the gloom, at first it was nothing but a blurry blue but quickly it took on definition.

"Smegging hell, is that you Rimmer?" cried Lister surprised and sounding a tad relieved.

The figure, who clearly looked like Rimmer nodded. "Well Kind of, I don't think I'm really here, more something from your head, or maybe something more."

"Well at least I'm not alone any more. Do you know where we are?" asked Lister.

Rimmerwalked around in a circle looking out at the darkness. "It's pretty empty isn't it?" stated Rimmer rather blankly.

Lister shook his head and thought, '_Hey I can shake my head.'_

"Yeah, there is nothing here, well except you that are Rimmer."

Rimmer stopped pacing and turned to face Lister. "Well, Lister seems to me we are in your head, were else could we be." Said Rimmer spreading his arms andturning around to emphasise the space."

"Smeg off Rimmer. And anyway if it is my head what the smeg are you doing here?"

Rimmer stopped turning and put his hands together as if in prey. Then tapping the points of his fingers on his chin he spoke. "Seems you're in a spot of bother Listy and so some part of you needs me."

Lister looked shocked, well at least he thought he did. "You, why the smeg would I need you?"

The Rimmer inside his head grinned. "Because Listy I am not mealy a lowly technician."

"Yes you are, you've always been one and you always will." Replied Lister slightly confused at all these recent events.

"No Listy, I'm not." Replied Rimmer softly.

"OK then Rimmer, what the smeg are you?"

Lister watched as Rimmersfacetook on a very serious look. The kind of look Rimmer reserved for when he wanted to make sure his pencils were A1 perfect sharp.

"Lister, I'm God."

Lister took a moment, chewing over this startling and most worryingly odd news. Then having carefully weighed up his response he spoke, "SMEG OFF!"

Rimmer grinned, "No It's true. I am he. The almighty, the big bloke in the sky, the creator of all life."

Lister thought about it. "Naww I'm still not buying it Rimmer."

Rimmer interrupted. "God if you please Lister."

"Listen, err God, if you are him, then why the smeg did you decide to live out on a space ship as Rimmer and come back as a Hologram. Surely you could have just re-born yourself or something, you know like your son did?"

God shook his head. "Lister, it was all for you. I did all those things for you Lister."

Lister looked pained. "But why me, and more to the point why him, you could have been anyone. Anyone would have been better than Rimmer surely."

"It was the ultimate disguise. Actually I was pretty chuffed with it. Thought I played the part very well, don't you." Said God raising an eyebrow at Lister.

"Yeah, I'd say you were a little too good at it, and anyway let's see your true form them God, you still look like Goal post head."

God winched at the name and resisted the temptation to smite Lister. "You would not understand it, if I showed you Lister."

"Try me!"

A blinding flash filled the space and something new stood infront of Lister where Rimmersform had once stood. Lister looked at the small furry grey thing that rolled around on the floor and sniggered to himself.

"Is that it, your some sort of fury round creature thingy?" Sniggered Lister.

The form blipped back into the shape of Rimmer. "See I told you. I said you would not understand.

"OK, if you are god you should be able to do anything, right?"

Rimmer or rather God nodded.

"So bring me back from being dead and send me back to Earth." Said Lister thinking hard about any other option he needed.

"I can't do that Lister." Replied God.

Listers face fell. "Smeg, why not?"

God grinned. "Simple, you're not dead."

* * *

Kryten was back with Lister, he had decided to get his body ready for the moon burial that they had all decided on. However something was not as he expected it to be. Kryten checked the readings for the fourth time and then double checked them. He then got onto the radio.

"Mr Rimmer sir, I think you should come and see this."

Kryten returned to reviewing the med scans. He prodded and poked Listers now slightly warm body and tutted to himself. None of what he was seeing made any sense. According to the mechanoids human biology file he had, what he was witnessing was simply impossible, by human terms it was a miracle.

Rimmer strode briskly into the medi bay. He walked up to the other side of Listers bed and looked over at Kryten, who was clearly very flustered.

"Kryten, what's up?" he asked not even bothering to look down at Listers body.

"Sir, if you would please just look at Mr Lister I think it will all become clear." Pleaded Kryten.

Rimmer slowly looked down. Before him Listers was laid out on his back. He was still wearing the same clothes, as Rimmers eyes traced up Listers body he started to notice odd little things. Then finally he looked at Listers face and starred at it unable to speak.

Kryten seeing the alarm in Rimmers face spoke for him. "He's young again, isn't he sir?"

Rimmer nodded.

"I'd say about 30 give or take a month." Guessed Kryten.

Rimmer finally shook the fog of shock away from his brain and spoke very slowly. "How is this possible?"

"I don't know, but there is more?" said Kryten excitedly.

Rimmer raised an eyebrow.

"According to the medi computer Mr Listers body temperature is rising rapidly. He's almost back at normal human levels."

Rimmer suddenly took a step backwards.

Kryten looked surprised. "Sir, anything wrong?"

Rimmer who had now retreated to the far side of the room and was holding his hand to his mouth and explained in muffled tones.

"Kryten, clearly Lister was dead right?"

Kryten nodded in confirmation.

"Well dead people don't go getting younger and then warming up, like some electric blanket, that just isn't normal."

"And you point sir?" asked Kryten not fully getting the picture that was so obviously in Rimmers mind.

"Don't you see, that, that thing out there killed Lister and its ooze is taking over his body and bringing him back to do horrible things to us."

Krytenhadn't thought of this, and for a second he too looked at Lister with new found concern.

"I say we flush Lister here out onto the planets surface and let him and his mother slug live happily ever after together."

Kryten went back into worry mode. "But sir, what if it's not a mutation what if it's just normal Mr Lister."

Rimmer shrugged his shoulders. "Win some you love some?" he replied.

Just at that moment the Cat burst in. "Hey dudes, I hate to break up the party but Mumma slug is back and looking hungry."

"How far?" asked Rimmer.

"About 60 suites." Replied Cat using his standard suit measurement.

Rimmer looked to Kryten in question.

"About 55 meters sir, dependant on the flare length." Replied Kryten.

"I say we hit the retro's and hot foot it out of here." Suggested the Cat doing a sky rocket impression with his hand.

"An excellent plan sir, I suggest you get on to it right away, I need to take care of Mr Lister here." Stated Kryten turning back to his patient.

Rimmer leaptin. "Hang on a second, I thought we agreed to get rid of mummas little baby here."

"No we didn't and anyway there is no time.".

* * *

Cat vaulted into his seat and slapped the re-heat button. Then taking the control stick he pulled the stick back and got ready to take off.

He lent forward and spoke urgently into the microphone. "This is your captain speaking will all passengers please hold onto something. Thank you."

Then leaning back into the seat he grinned at the image outside. The monster slug was almost upon them and had already raised itself onto his back foot. "See ya sucker this kitty is gone." Said the Cat slapping the engines buttons to maximum.

Starbug began to lift slowly into the air, unfortunately it's timing coincided with the slugs belly flop and the two met mid lift off.

Starbug shook under the new weight. The Cat looked worried and shouted at the screen. "Hey, no extra baggage."

Rimmer burst into the room, staging this way and that from the ships violent buffering. "What's going on, the engines are wining more than a pack of food critics given a La Big Mac and fries."

"It's that thing, it'a hitching a ride." Shrieked the Cat pointing at the screen and the black underbelly of the slug.

"Can't you shake it loose?" said Rimmer urgently.

"Nope, right now the only shaking we can do right now is found in your boots." Replied the Cat while still wrestling with the controls.

Starbug finally broke free of the gravitational pull of the surface, cargo still intact and the engines sighed with relief.

"Bud we better had do something quickly. According to this computer thingy I have here, that thing is eating our hull."

Rimmer thoughts and suddenly it came to him. He got up and raced to the door then turned to Cat. "Tell Kryten I need him to meet me in the Kitchen and fast."

* * *

Kryten entered the kitchen to find Rimmer rapidly disgorging the contents of the cupboards onto the floor.

"Sir, what are you doing, if you needed something to eat that badly, you should have just asked."

Rimmer stopped and pulled what he was looking for out like some holy object. He held it out for Kryten to see.

"Salt?" questioned Kryten.

"Yes Salt, when I was a boy, my brothers used to play a tick on me with salt and slugs. Sometimes we would have liquorice for a treat. This one time they offered me some from a bag, well it was not often that my bothers shared anything with me so I took it eagerly."

Kryten prompted for the next bit of the story. "and?"

"And when I put this long thing bit in my mouth and chewed it didn't taste very like liquorice so I spat it out. My brothers decided that this deserved a beating and a 2nd slug treat."

"Oh I see, but how does that help us?"

"Salt Kryten is a slug's worst enemy. If we can get enough out there that thing might just let go. " finished Rimmer looking hopeful.

"Stand aside sir, you need my backup supply." Said Kryten stepping forward and reaching into the back of a large tall cupboard. He soon pulled out a large container marked SALT.

Rimmer grinned. "Excellent. Now all we need to do is get it out there, but how?"

From behind Kryten a familiar voice called out.

"I know how?" said the voice calmly.

Rimmer gulped unsure what awaited him as he peered around Krytens frame.

Lister stood at the door way looking smug.

"Lister, what are you doing down here, your meant to be in the medi bay being dead." Said Rimmer in a very matter of fact tone.

"Yeah I know, but I got bored of that, so here I am. Now do you want to hear my idea or not?" asked Lister.

Both Rimmer and Kryten nodded.

* * *

Lister, Kryten and Rimmerj oined the Cat in the cot pit. The Cat turned around having smelt Lister approach.

"Hey monkey boy, your back." He grinned.

Lister grinned back at him. "Yep, new and improved model Cat." Lister then pointed at the window. "Now it's time to clean the windows."

The Cats grin faded into a question frown. "What?"

"Just hit the window clean spay Cat will you." Said Lister flopping into his chair.

Outside the spray from the washers jetted out onto the underside of the slug. Then the wipers scrapped the salty liquid across the window and its belly.

Soon the slug began to realise something was not quite right down below and started to peel itself free of the bug.

"See it's working, I told you it would." Smirked Lister.

At last Starbug was free and the four of them cheered as the huge slug drifted slowly away from the ship.

Kryten patted Lister on the shoulder. "Genius sir, well done."

Lister grinned and turned to Rimmer. "Could not of done it without God over there, his idea really."

Rimmer smiled then frowned. "God?"

Lister gave Rimmer a knowing wink and turned to put his feet up on the desk.

Rimmer just started at the back of Listers head and did a fruit loop sign with his finger.

Kryten leant over holding a beer out for Lister. "How do you feel sir?"

Lister took the tiny and pulled the ring. The satisfying pssst erupted from the can and made Lister smile. Then taking a large swig he swivelled around to look at the others.

"I feel great, in fact better than great."

* * *

Kryten finished the medi scan and stood back.

"Well Mr Lister, it seems you have the body of a 30 year old and are indeed very much alive. There seems to be no other side effects from the slugs slime or any trace of it now." Said Kryten looking amazed at the results.

"Brutal." Grinned Lister hopping off the bed and doing a little celebration shuffle.

Rimmer walked in just in time to witness the end of Listers dance.

"Lister, I see your fully up and about then." He said the bitterness in his tone clearly on display.

Lister turned to Rimmer.

"Kryten tells me it was you man that got him and me back on board. Thanks man, that means a lot to me you know."

Rimmer waved it away.

"I mean it, if it wasn't for you I might still be out there in that suite tapped." Pressed Lister.

"It was nothing, although if I had known that you would be back alive and with the body of a 30 year old again I would have left you out there. It's just not fair." Said Rimmer folding his arms across his chest in a huff.

"Come on Rimmer, think of the fun we can have all over again. I've got another chance."

The screen behind them faded into life. "Alright dudes what's happening. Here what's happened to your face Lister, something horrible has happened?"

Lister pressed his fingers to his face in alarm but finding only normal skin and bones he relaxed. "It's me new body Holly, I've got a second chance."

"Oh I see, well I've got some news, if you're interested."

"Go on Holly, what's up." Asked Lister.

"Well I've had a communication from Earth." Said Holly calmly.

"What Earth Earth." Said Lister hopefully.

Holly grinned, he liked this part. "Yep, the very same. Seems they picked up our signal as we entered this part of the system."

"And?" pressed Rimmer.

"And they want to know where we have been?" said Holly.

Rimmer snorted. "Where we have been!"

"Yep, that's what the dude said. You can ask him yourself soon." Replied Holly.

"How so Holly?" asked Kryten.

Holly grinned broadly. "Because he's coming to meet us in 24hrs."

They all looked at each other, the news slowly sinking in. Earth was still there, and still had humans on it. Better still according to Holly they didn't look like some alien monster with huge brains.

Lister grinned.

"Smeg, I can go home. I can go back to Earth." Then with a shriek he kicked his heels together as he jumped into the air and screamed. "Look out Earth, the slimes coming home!"

**End.**

**As always thanks for reading, do drop me a note or review, keeps the keys a tapping.**


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